For some reason, I have been thinking alot about my dad, not my step dad, but my real dad. I say "real dad" loosely as my step dad has always been my "real dad". He was always the one who was there. He made sure I had clothes, food, and a house to live in. He was there when I needed him to be and although a quiet man, I never doubted his love for me or my sister.
So back to the "real dad" or maybe biological father is a better term. Wait, before I go any further, I should throw out this disclaimer..." I am not intending to hurt anyone on that side of the family whether it be my stepmother, father, step siblings, or cousins. This is my blog and I'm voicing my opinion". There, now that's out of the way.....
I guess Ive been thinking about him because of the recent pics of him on my step sisters facebook page. I don't know how he lives with himself knowing he basically abandoned his first two kids. His story was always the same... It was my mothers fault for moving us to Florida (he lives in Mass). Interestingly, we lived in Mass till I was 13, and he and my mom split when I was 2. While we did see him on the occasional weekend, it wasn't consistent until he met my current step mom. I really believe she is the reason we got picked up many weekends. All of my good memories are really centered around her, not my dad.What was his excuse before we moved to Florida? I can tell you in my adult life, I have plenty of friends who's ex husbands live out of state, yet they still manage to see their kids. They spend entire summers, Christmas vacations, and spring breaks with their dads. I can count on both hands the number of times my father has called me to wish me a happy birthday, merry Christmas, or happy new year in my whole entire life. I couldve picked up the phone and called him and I used to until I realized that every time we talked he still had no idea what I do for a living, what my kids names were, or what my husband's name is. The minute I would start talking about my life, he would interrupt to tell me about his. I quit calling.
Last time I talked to my dad on the phone was 4 years ago when my step mom called to tell me he was in the hospital due to liver/kidney problems. My dad was an alcoholic. She told me it was really bad, so I called, and the minute I did, I got that same sickening feeling in my stomach. The feeling of a forced conversation. I decided right then and there, that we might as well just accept that while he is my biological father, there is no bond there. Talking to him is no different than talking to a complete stranger. Harsh words, but true. He missed the opportunity to bond with me a long time ago. I do blame him because he was the adult. Yes, I am an adult now, but when his love mattered the most, I was just a kid.
After his hospital incident, he became sober. I believe he still is. The last time I saw him was last year at my grandmother's funeral. Awkward, both of us trying to fake it. It was more than uncomfortable. I would've thought with 3-4 years sobriety under his belt, he would have maybe regretted the way he shunned my sister and I...all because we moved to Florida. You would've thought he would pick up the phone and call to wish me a happy birthday. Nope, nothing.
Today, I am proud of who I am and I know that he didn't have a damn thing to do with it. He cant take credit for the awesome family I have, my well behaved children, my 3 college degrees, my moral values. He cant take credit for the person I am at all. I have formed my own opinions of him as he has probably formed his own of me. My mother or step father never spoke a bad word about him EVER. They didn't have to because over time he has shown me all the things they probably wanted to say. He has shown me he is a heartless and selfish individual. Anyone who can turn their back on their kids the way he did, is in my opinion ..heartless. He had 5 more kids after us, so maybe it made it easier, I don't know. I'm sure he was a great dad to them, but to me and my sister he was anything but great.
You can never go back, you can never undo words or actions, but you can always try to make right. I gave up on him long before you, and never understood why you continued to give chances. I agree, that Linda, was every reason why we have some great memories spent on the weekends we did go. I think she always did her best, and her best was far more than what she ever had to do... She did create happy times, even when i think she was not happy. As we grow older, family means different things for us. Everyone always said to give him a chance, people change. The very last time I saw him, he had no idea who i was, as in "can i help you"... one may have thought it would have stung me, but it was pretty close to what i had expected. My one thought was lol, if any of us look like that side, it would def be me you would see some family resemblance in. But he didnt. Linda, on the other hand, who loved us because she CHOSE to, she rounded the corner and immediately started crying... she did recognize me. What is lost is lost. I am grateful we did have a father in our years when it mattered. Not all of us were so lucky. And if Christine can forgive and build a relationship, and it seems she is, good for her. I can respect that and be happy for her. I can forgive, and have, but the desire is no longer there. I think if anyone got shafted along with me and you it was her. So if he can make up for some of that, then she deserves her father. Because there are so many of us, and we all know "dad" in different ways, there will be many different opinions, and thats ok. There were children forgotten, and if he did remember he didnt act accordingly. He has NEVER one day in my years growing up, remembered my birthday.
ReplyDeleteAs far as our parents ever bad mouthing him, when i did, i got yelled at, because he was my father and i was to respect him. so if ever a question, he was supported in playing a role if he chose to. I cant imagine going through life, not knowing, who your children are, who they have become. That in itself would haunt me every waking minute. Its too bad, there were alot of us kids, and you never know we may have been close had we had the opportunity when we were younger to get to know them. I think through facebook i have learned more than i ever knew about them. Its cool to see who they are and what they are all about, but with Dad, It has been a closed chapter in my life for a long time. I dont regret it. I can rest knowing that i did make that last and final attempt, and that i never had to search for my fathers love, because in Bob i already had it.
Powerful Words. I admire both you and Misty!!!!
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